Remembering 33
Leslie, friend, US
Dearest Esther, I am so very sorry. So sorry. Esther, you have lost your love, your lovely sweet daughter. Your heart, your soul. Oh Esther, I am holding you in my heart. This is the hardest thing, absolutely the hardest thing a parent can face. My thoughts and my heart is with you, your husband and your grieving son. You and I exchanged emails and you made me the kindest offer in the world, to bring my beloved daughter to New York and stay with you, so that she could try the rTMS. I recognized in your kind words and generous offer, what a strong, courageous and special person you are. You expressed such a tenderness, understanding and compassion for your daughter and the huge struggles she was facing in her life. You have always been the absolute best mother to your sweet daughter, doing everything you could possibly think of to end her pain and give her a valued life. I believe that your sweet daughter only lived as long as she did because you are such an exceptional mother. I think she would never have survived as long as she did, carrying that pain, that burden, if you hadn't been such a loving compassionate companion to her. You must remember that Esther. Her burden, her pain was real and you made it possible to carry that for far longer than she thought possible. She hung on longer and longer, knowing that you were such an excellent Mom and that she would hurt you deeply by taking her life. Esther, you did not fail. And she did not fail. You did your best 100%. And she did her best 100%. Esther this place that they live in (your daughter until recently) and my daughter (now) is a terrible place, and it is exhausting and demoralizing to keep living in that place with no respite. My daughter (26) has been talking calmly about assisted suicide for 3 years now. She is serious. We know it. She, like your daughter, doesn't want to die. She just can't carry the burden any longer. She has tried everything, it is getting worse, and no one can offer her respite. We, like you and your family, will do anything to help her but the bottom line is that we can't get her out of this place of extreme suffering. We know she might take her life any day. This feels unimaginable for us, to lose her. But what feels equally unimaginable is thinking about her continuing to suffer profoundly for the rest of her life. Your daughter made the only decision she felt she could make given her reality. She was not only sweet and sensitive, but she was incredibly strong and courageous. Like her Mom. My daughter often says to me, "Mom the reason I want to think about dying now is that I can still remember a portion of my life (up to age 8) when I didn't have OCD and I felt free and happy. The longer I live now, the more pain I carry, the more traumatic memories, and it is soul destroying. I might need to let go now, so that I can die with those happy childhood memories still making up a good portion of my lifetime... I don't want to look back on a whole lifetime of this trauma, I can't do that, it is so sad." Maybe your daughter felt something similar. Please do not think that you failed your daughter. You didn't. You have been the best mother in the world to her. She knew that, she knew that for years and years. And she knew that when she was taking her life. She loved you, she relied on you, and you carried her through the last years. And if she could speak to you now, I know she would tell you that Esther. She'd tell you how much she loved you, how amazing you had been as a Mom, how lucky she was to have you as her Mom. Try to remember the times, the years, when she was happy and free of the OCD. Know that she is not suffering anymore. She is not suffering. And tell your son what an amazing brother he was to your daughter, that he too is responsible for her hanging on, as long as she did. That she would never have lasted as long as she did without that relationship with her. How lucky she was to have such an incredible loving family. Esther, I know you will have family and friends around you through these difficult times but I will always write you back (or phone) if it would be helpful. I hold you in my heart, Leslie (Sleepless) 
Leslie, friend, US
Dear Esther, yes, you are still in shock. But that shock will protect you, over the days to come. Grief has its own timing, its own way of unfolding over time. Try to take it one day at a time, accept all offers of help, protect your private space and your need to be alone as much as possible. Yes, a website or Facebook page would be amazing, a place to record your thoughts and memories, a tribute to your wonderful daughter, a way to say goodbye. But take your time, move in slow motion, don't put any pressure on yourself to do anything you don't have to. I know that often, when young people take their lives, their parents are taken by surprise because it has happened JUST when the young person seems happier, seems to be doing better, is more peaceful, etc. They say that often, once the young person has made the final decision to end her/his life, and has actually made a plan, that they do feel a sense of peace and happiness knowing there is an end to their suffering.-- and this is what the parents see, mistakenly thinking their child is doing better. I wonder if your daughter knew that she was going to take her life, and thought she would talk to you, but couldn't find a way to tell you knowing that you would be devastated and she couldn't see you suffer? And she didn't want you to stop her from doing what she had decided to do? I think that she did say goodbye to you Esther, that she did think about you constantly in her last days, that she did hold you in her heart. I think that you were with her when she let go. I have been thinking of you (and cried a lot) since I saw your courageous post, and I will continue to hold you and your family in my heart, especially tomorrow (Sunday) when you go to the cemetery. When you next write, tell me how old your son is? (my son is 28) hugs and love, Leslie 
Emma Duffett, Canada
Admission-Transfer-Discharge Sarcastic.Survival.Skills The Cloud of Regrets January 30, 2017 ~ theperfectpatientblog I’m shoved into this cloudy bubble, where everything is just out of reach.This cloud has a surrounding stream of every tear I’ve cried. Which, makes it stretchy, bubbly, cold, sticky and wet. These clouds of regret inside this bubble makes it hard to see, hard to judge, easy to miss the most important things. Here I am in this totally unclear floating ball. It’s a life or death situations and i can’t see straight. Just as I see the biggest regrets of my life the clouds smear over my vision. I get a glimpse of clearer sights, when I see the biggest, most painful, life or death decision. I try my hardest to reach for it, but this bubble will not let me out. I can’t break the lining, to the outside. As I float off into dark unstable clouds I wonder, how light I could be if I my mind wasn’t so heavy. Unfortunately, my biggest regret of my life is not only my sights but scarred into my brain. It’s out there and no matter how hard I try to reach it, this cloudy bubble of regrets snaps me back. I have these unremovable glasses that shows me the world in a tainted, black, sad way. There was something I could of done to stop this unhelpful, crippling pain of every regret I have about what i should have done for you. All I had to do was simply pick up my phone. I know people tell me there was no way I could’ve known it was then, that phone call, at that moment. Well it was. I shouldn’t have shut you out, my friend. I never should have let you go, cut you out, take that second chance away when you deserved it. I will never ‘get over’ this. I will never forget you called me in your last moments on this planet. I told you I’d always no matter what, I’d be there for you. And I wasn’t. I live in this bubble where I am never at peace with myself. my vision is dark, my whole world is dark, and my heart is so broken it hurts. I’d give you my life with a cleared slate if I could and even though I’m stuck here maybe forever, I hope you know how sorry I really am. Dedicated to my best friend, M. Who is dearly missed and has left us way too soon. May you rest in peace. |
The Lonely
January 23, 2017 ~ theperfectpatientblog There are times when you feel the most alone while being surrounded by people. I call that feeling alone with yourself. You may be around every person you know when you feel this alone, it’s because you feel completely misunderstood. Either
2. They don’t want to try. They’d rather pretend there’s nothing wrong, dismissing you. For the ones who try to understand and can’t, are more supportive because they at least choose to acknowledge that you’re hurting and there to help in the best way they can. They may not be helping but they’re trying and you have to give them that. They care. It’s in your best interest to have patience and keep trying to get them to understand. Use metaphors like: I was a ripe piece of fruit being pushed down the compost, in a way that eventually you’re rotten. No one see’s you while your ripe, it only comes to their attention when you begin to stink. The more you retract from people the less sociable you can be. The longer you struggle, the deeper hole you have to climb out of. It is not your choice to feel this way. If you can get some people on your side and seek help, then it’s your time to make the harder decisions, that eventually help you break through all the pain and turmoil. And on your way to recovery. It’s at that point where they’re path becomes diverted. You may be surprised by which people go to which side. For the people who know you’re hurting, scared, struggling, yet ignore everything. That’s the most painful they can do for/to you. If they could just take off their blinders, maybe just maybe you wouldn’t be so alone. They never ask how you’re doing because they’d rather not know. It is easier to ignore you when they have minimal details. I know its very hurtful, it is. This is something you have to learn about the process everyone outside yourself deals with knowing someone with mental illness. It’s wrong. It’s regressing in time, when they used to not know anything about mental health or how to deal with it. How to help you not feel so miserable. But no they’d rather keep the information to a minimal and lock those blinders in their vision. Fuck them. Surround yourself with people who make you feel a little less lonely. Retrain your brain. Most of all, you can also be surrounded by an abundant amount of people yet feel so alone inside. Please know there are people out there that know this very same feeling. Never give up! |
